Dear Kirk...

Dear Kirk,

The truth is, I’ve been sitting with something for a while now. Last Friday, it physically manifested itself in the form of luggage.

A few days ago, Cindy gave me your black, size Large North Face duffel bag. You took that bag with you on your trip to Mount Everest base camp several years ago to celebrate, acknowledge, and define your own journey with cancer. I’m sure that duffel bag represented something to you. Whether she admits it or not, I feel certain that it means something to Cindy. Maybe it represents pain for both of you almost as much as adventure. Until yesterday evening, I let that duffel bag sit untouched on the floor of my living room, unsure of what to do with it.

I felt like I was suddenly in someone else’s special seat, like I was taking a cherished heirloom that still belonged to someone else. Your initials were scrawled on the top, bottom, and all four sides. I hesitated before marking over them, not because it felt disrespectful, but because it felt like stealing. It felt like trespassing on a life that I can’t claim.

For longer than I even realized, I’ve been thinking and processing, and I’ve come to a place of peace. The truth is that I am jealous of you. You had a life that wasn’t nearly as long as you deserved, but not before you made memories with Cindy, Harrison, Zeke, Lillie Mei, and Jia. Those moments belong to you, and those memories still live with them.

Cindy chose you first. You left, but not for any reason that I can size myself up against. I can’t compete with a dead man, Kirk! You’ll always win.

So, I have to learn how not to make this a competition. I think it’s finally sinking into my skull that I don’t have to. Life is good. Each day is a gift. I win by just showing up and facing today’s challenges. I hope you learned that before you left. In a weird way, you taught me that.

So, today, Cindy chooses me to love her, share adventures with her, help support her children, and carry forward the life you helped build. I’ll do my best to honor that. I brought my family to the mix so that they can learn, love, and grow together.

I might ask for your advice every once in a while. Not out loud, necessarily, but in quiet places where I need help processing.

I’ve decided to carry that North Face bag with me to England, Norway, and Ireland this Summer, and to other places after that. It will take my things from place to place. It will hold meaning, even when it’s empty. From here on, it’s part of a new story. Ours won’t erase yours. But I’ll do my best to add something to it that feels worthy.

With respect,

Kenny (April 21, 2025)